A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
