at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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