No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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