Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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