You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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