Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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