Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
