totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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