I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
