Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
it's like iHOP with fire
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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