how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
