No awkward lesbian experiences without me
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I didn't notice because vodka
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
