3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
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