So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
