i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
