I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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