im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
