I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
