dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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