Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
false alarm. still invincible.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
