Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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