Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Send help, water and tortillas.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
