dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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