Three words: puerto rican gang bang
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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