she woke up with a sticky ear
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
