No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she told me i tasted like america
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
