I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
