my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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