if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
