how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
