I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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