My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
