you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You're completely useless in the revolution.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
