"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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