I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
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