Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
