i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
