im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I love having hate sex.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
