But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
