Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
