Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
