C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
