I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
