Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Everclear isn't food dammit
did i just pee glitter
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
