things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
