I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
