how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
