cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
