1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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