I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
